I lost.

Monuments are a huge contributing proof that our country had a history and that we’re proud of it.

But is it the case with human beings too?

Do we protect and savour our past and be proud of it?

Most of us do and each one of us expects that from everyone.

Is it that important to own it all and have them as victory stories?

What if I’m not comfortable in that?

What if I’m still dealing with it?

What if it is still there as my invisible black cloud?

We’ve forgotten the meaning of space or time or life for that matter.

Stop bothering me with your ‘funny’ taunts that point to my past.

Or ask what’s ‘the fuss’ is all about.

Do my words have any consideration now?

Do you even listen to me?

I’m tired of telling you same words again and again and you don’t seem to understand a bit of it.

I don’t want to go back.

I don’t want to remember any of it.

I don’t want to speak about it.

I don’t want you to judge me for that.

I want my history to be forgotten completely.

I don’t want people to know I lost in the difficult situations.

I gave in to the very social construct I hate.

I gave up on myself several times.

I broke down on petty things.

I’m ashamed of what I did.

I couldn’t own my mistakes when it was required.

I lied to the people who loved me.

People who trusted me.

I really am sorry but it’s not that time yet

when we can go back and rectify it all.

Everyone just come and throw my old self in my face and expect me to forget because it was just a joke.

It was never a joke.

I’m not ready to accept that as a joke yet.

I’m not strong enough to believe in my own self yet.

I don’t use my stories to entertain people yet.

I can’t think of it as my fault and let it go.

Maybe, I wasn’t clear enough when I said I don’t like it.

Maybe, I don’t belong to you.

Maybe, this was all a lesson for every part of it was my fault.

Maybe.

Maybe not.