I wish.
I've always been too dumb, too loud and too crazy for him. And by him, I mean my friends. And by friends, I mean the people I hang out with sometimes and regret every moment of it. And by regret, I mean killing myself twice inside my head for saying 'yes' for the meeting. And by saying 'yes', I mean an over excited, pumped up agreement every time they ask me to meet.
You ask why? Because I tend to over compensate for everything I do with everyone around me. I've this feeling of not belonging to this place since forever. I feel a massive rock on my chest while I simply exist. I feel that everyone around me is doing me a favour of letting me exist and I owe them everything I have. But I fail everyday. I fail to please everyone around me. I fail to do things they want me to do. I fail to be there every time they need help. I fail to be the one they want me to be. It's like paying a price for something I didn't even ask for. But it's not that I want to die, I just don't want to exist anymore. It's exhausting and makes no sense.
You know what I wish, I wish to have a friend who talks to me and not in a condescending manner. I wish to have a family who has faith in me. I wish to have a place where I can be me. I wish to have time when I don't think about all these things. I wish to have a someone special who'll love me with all his heart and spend time with me voluntarily. I wish to have a mentor who guides me through life and doesn't judge me for who I am. I wish to have a morning with no regrets. I wish to have a night with no thoughts. I wish to have a day without crying. I wish to have a normal life. Now, I know normal is pretty overrated anyway but I still want it. I want it bad. I want someone to hug me and tell me that it's gonna be alright.
I know it doesn't make sense when I say I don't want to exist and still wish so many things. But I meant it when I said I'm crazy. I live with this coflict everyday and figuring out what exactly I want and why.
Surprisingly, I go to bed every night with a hope to have the kind of life I wish for. While the most of me has given up, that remaining part is pushing me to go on. I hope you all have that remaining part in you that gives you strength to survive each day.
You ask why? Because I tend to over compensate for everything I do with everyone around me. I've this feeling of not belonging to this place since forever. I feel a massive rock on my chest while I simply exist. I feel that everyone around me is doing me a favour of letting me exist and I owe them everything I have. But I fail everyday. I fail to please everyone around me. I fail to do things they want me to do. I fail to be there every time they need help. I fail to be the one they want me to be. It's like paying a price for something I didn't even ask for. But it's not that I want to die, I just don't want to exist anymore. It's exhausting and makes no sense.
You know what I wish, I wish to have a friend who talks to me and not in a condescending manner. I wish to have a family who has faith in me. I wish to have a place where I can be me. I wish to have time when I don't think about all these things. I wish to have a someone special who'll love me with all his heart and spend time with me voluntarily. I wish to have a mentor who guides me through life and doesn't judge me for who I am. I wish to have a morning with no regrets. I wish to have a night with no thoughts. I wish to have a day without crying. I wish to have a normal life. Now, I know normal is pretty overrated anyway but I still want it. I want it bad. I want someone to hug me and tell me that it's gonna be alright.
I know it doesn't make sense when I say I don't want to exist and still wish so many things. But I meant it when I said I'm crazy. I live with this coflict everyday and figuring out what exactly I want and why.
Surprisingly, I go to bed every night with a hope to have the kind of life I wish for. While the most of me has given up, that remaining part is pushing me to go on. I hope you all have that remaining part in you that gives you strength to survive each day.
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